She met him in the fall. The leaves were already turning- auburn and crimson, lending their bright shades to the delicate azure skies above. It was almost dark when she received his phone call, half dressed, staring at her reflection in the mirror while relaying directions to her house. He says he'll be arriving shortly. She stumbles around her room, throwing open drawers, rifling through all of her clothes. "What is he wearing? What am I going to wear? Will he care what I'm wearing? It's just a friendly date, right?" Right. She doesn't forget how cold she tends to get in movie theatres. She throws on a sweater and jeans, grabs her navy blue pea coat and purse, and rushes to the door. Shoes, shoes, shoes. No, converses? He calls again and says he's outside. "oh god, he's here." She fumbles with the doorknob, losing her balance as she bends down to tie her laces. "Why do i always feel so uncoordinated?" She calms the tremors in her hands and lifts open the cellar door. The cold breeze rushes at her face, cooling her nerves and refreshing the air in her lungs.
Flashback.
Her whole body is shaking, her face covered in salt water. Vision blurring, she pulls away from him. She's searching for strength, forcing the words out from between her lips, "we shouldn't see each other anymore." She feels him tense, his eyes staring straight ahead, "are you sure that's what you want?" She nods her head, yes. It's time to leave him now, she pulls on the door handle and lets herself out of the car. He follows. She doesn't want him here, outside with her. But he does what he feels. She tries to walk towards her house, she wants to cry alone. He doesn't allow it. His hand closes around her wrist and in the next moment she's breathing against his neck. He pulls back to look at her face, "Why are you doing this?" ... "I have to, we can't be with each other, not this way." She looks up at him one last time, presses her lips against his, and whispers "I love you." She kisses him full and tries to release herself from him. He grips her harder, clenches his teeth, "TAKE IT BACK." Her breath catches in her throat and she's gasping for air, furiously shaking her head, no, trying to get out of his grip. He repeats it again, "take it back." Quieter now, calmer. He's not giving up so easily. She stutters one last plea "I have to go, please, i have to go." He let's go and she feels him watching her as she walks deeper into the shadows.
How could she have prevented herself from falling in love with him? Even through all the warnings and precautions, serious talks about where their relationship was heading. How could she have avoided all of the emotions he makes her feel? Everything happens for a reason.
He was waiting for her to join him, he had already fallen.
Love is eternal, he says. People are not.
He tells me to stop writing. Live life. He's a big supporter of life, experiences, conversation. There's a difference in being introverted, and being a self centered hypocrite. How can you criticize others of their actions when at times you act exactly the same way?
I hope he still believes that I love all of the things he tells me, no matter what they may be and no matter what the tone of his voice is. I know that sometimes my facial expressions give him the wrong idea, as if i don't want to be there with him. I know that sometimes my body language portrays my manner as defiant and arrogant. But the thoughts in my head are the complete opposite. I want to talk to him and tell him and express myself of all the things I am always so afraid to admit out loud. And most of the time, my words come out a jumbled mess and I say things I don't mean. But don't we all, at some point or another.
