reflect.

and so it goes...

i've been out of school for over a year. how has this affected me?
both negatively & positively.
i've grown... as a person, experiencing things that i would not have otherwise if i were still in school.
however, i feel stupid(-er). i'm almost certain i've killed off more than enough brain cells.
i know & understand the importance of education, i know & understand that i must stay focused this year.
the constant doubts and fears continue to circulate in and out of my thoughts.
sometimes, i think it's why i can't sleep at night [and he tells me it's because i watch tv before i go to bed... it could be that too].
it's difficult to shut the thoughts out.

it's funny really, i thought after dropping out of school, my life would quiet down a bit. i would spend some time in ... solitary confinement. spend some time getting to know my parents better. spend some time getting to know myself better.
i suppose i've done all of that still, but none of it would have been the same if it weren't for him. he might sit there & deny it, but i know how i feel.

[she's steam, laughing on the window panes].

objective introspection...
not really, no.
judge yourself as you judge others.
harsh criticisms, take it & swallow.

fiction.

i shift through moments, always leaving out details.
whether it's on purpose or not, it seems to happen.
my mind re-creates, picks & chooses for itself.



: why can't you be normal?
[normals boring and the days are long]
: speak from your heart, tell me what you're thinking.
[breathe, think, breathe, blank, breathe, nothing]
sometimes my mind is completely empty. i cannot offer much else.
: don't turn away from me.
[you said you know what it feels like to be kept waiting.
you said it was unfair.
this is unfair]

i never really learned patience with people, until i met him.
until i realized that my faults are not as minute as i had made them out to be.
he never hesitated to point them out, to try and make me see what he sees.
there are constant thoughts about us always circulating in my mind, regurgitating themselves and they sound different each time, but they always come back to the same conclusion, the same questions.
perhaps i have not asked them aloud because i am weary of the answers.

oh, sigh.

22222


** ilanas tomorrow @ bohemian hall & beer garden <3
[1] pay tuition
[2] pay & defer loans (AES) august 14th
- fill out form & bring to admin building
[3] school supplies?
- notebooks, looseleaf, PENS ! ... crayons, highliters, markers .. all of the obvious things.
[4] pennsylvania on tuesday?
[5] the faint on the 18th
[6] classes start on the 27th; oh & eotc with tab @ irving plaza !
[7] daddys bday on the 21st
[8] lake ariel aug 29-sep 1 with young <3


and life goes on ...