spiraling.

I don't really know what it is I need, actually. But I still always find that I'm convincing myself of all of these things. i need some time alone to figure thngs out, this is the only way it's going to happen. without him. without us. he isn't right for me. i'm not right for him. he needs someone better, someone smarter, someone prettier. i have to experience life on my own, no ropes, no commitment.

And I find those strings of words flowing through my brain, out of my mouth, in between clouds of smoke. And she looks at me, nodding in agreement, understanding that this could be truth tumbling out from between my lips. But is it really?

He drove away from me that night and I had felt nothing. I did not feel abandoned, nor alone, nor sad. I had just been. I had small expectations for my emotions this time around. I laid in bed, closed my eyes, and sleep came easily. The dreams had not started yet.

I was selfish in telling him that I hated dreaming about him. I hate it because it leaves him fresh in my mind when I wake up, he's the first realization in my morning haze. Dreams have always held meaning for me, even if indecipherable. I had to tell him to reassure myself that it was...just a dream.