memorize.

I have stopped for just this moment. To remember, because my memory tends to fail me (as you know). I keep words as a record of sorts, a record of memories. I have not cried until now, until now when I have gone back to the beginning and re-read our conversations, my mind against your heart. You were always trying to teach me, to show me how to follow my heart. I can't say for sure that that lesson has run its course...

Can you remember the beginning of us? The words exchanged, the kisses stolen and given so freely, the caresses felt each second. We had discovered one another so quickly, so effortlessly. I never thought it would be me, falling in love with you, in such a short amount of time. I do remember that burning look in your eyes when I told you, you could be anyone. We had stood in the parking lot, as I tried to avoid eye contact with you. Tried to shrug you off, as if you were insignificant, as if you weren't the only person I wanted to be with in that moment, and in that moment, forever. And as we spent countless nights together, I slowly realized how wrong I was...you were more than anyone I had ever known.

I can't deal with the blame. This blame that I have placed on myself. That the deadened place we had ended up, was because of me. Ultimately because I had no control over myself, over the words I spat at you, over the way I purposely made you feel (or not feel). I feel even more lost and unsure of myself than I did when we began. You are still you, but I am not who I used to be, or who I imagined I would be.

I had said that you could be the worst, or the best thing that's happened to me. But those extremes are nonexistent now. I feel neither one nor the other. And it's because I have locked myself inside of myself, vowing to never let you back in. I shielded myself from your harsh words and steel gaze, crawling further away from you. And at the end, I had nothing left that was exposed, I had become caged. I forgot what it is to feel, and I still do not know.

Perhaps one day, we can sit and talk, reminiscing on beginnings and endings. I won't make you repeat yourself.